Soap For Mom Brain

I used to have functioning brain cells, but that no-good husband of mine screwed me over and now I have feral children instead. If I have to hear, "Mom, he's hitting me" and, "Call 911!" one more time, I swear to the Grey Goose god... Speaking of which, have you seen my double martini? And the baby? They were both in the oven last time I checked.